Rainbow-Colored Necklaces for Everyone
Scattered advice to people who appeared on this year’s Kennedy Center Honors telecast:
- Aretha Franklin, don’t ever change. I know you looked ridiculous in a giganto brown ruffled boa which made you look like an overstuffed chocolate dessert. Outrageous is what you are, criticism be damned.
- Smokey Robinson, you totally deserved the honor. I just wish we could’ve heard some of your more obscure songs performed, such as “Your Wonderful Sweet Sweet Love” (The Supremes, 1972) or “My Baby Must Be a Magician” (The Marvelettes, 1968).
- Kenny Rogers, what have they done to your face? Please fire the plastic surgeon who bestowed you with a perpetually surprised expression.
- Dolly Parton, you’re starting to look like a drag queen’s impersonation of yourself. I beg you and Kenny to lay off the facework. Otherwise, rock on with your fabboo self.
- President Bush, would it kill you to smile a little? Everybody knows you’d rather be fishing in Crawford, but please look up the word decorum in the dictionary and at least pretend to have some enthusiasm.
- Jessica Simpson, I’m concerned. We only saw a glimpse of you walking onstage after the Dolly tribute. What happened? Oh, that.
- Andrew Lloyd Webber, I know you’re a lowest-common-denominator hack, but you must’ve done something right to get such fabulous performances from Christine Ebersol, Betty Buckley and that Evita woman.
- Reese Witherspoon, you are cute as a button and I love you.
- Stephen Spielberg, thanks for reminding me that one can survive growing up in the stifling suburbia of Scottsdale, AZ.
- Joan Collins and Michele Lee, remind me why you were in the audience? I thought I was watching a nighttime ’80s soap queen reunion for a few seconds there.
- Kennedy Center Honors nomination committee, please get Doris Day’s number quickly before she passes on. At least you got to James Brown in time.
Comments
Calling Andrew Lloyd Webber a lowest-common-denominator hack is like dismissing the Niagra as a little trickle. He is THE lowest-common-denominator hack of all times.
Posted by: Christopher | December 28, 2006 6:05 PM
Yikes.
I always kinda dug "High Flying, Adored".
And "Rainbow High" rhymes "Adore me" with "Christian Dior Me".
That is cool enuf for me.
Posted by: Mass Bradley | December 29, 2006 7:53 PM
was doris day there???
i LOVE her!!!!
Posted by: mod*mom | December 31, 2006 2:19 PM
Sorry, Doris wasn't there. I just dearly want them to Honor her.
Of course in order to receive the Honor, the recipient has to show up in Washington to accept (which is probably why Miss Day's never gotten one).
Posted by: Matt | December 31, 2006 5:19 PM
Just who WAS the Evita woman?
Posted by: Nancy | January 3, 2007 12:52 PM
Found it! Elena Roger.
Posted by: Matt | January 3, 2007 5:38 PM
I read your article it so interesting .And they are Doris wasn't there. I just dearly want them to Honor her.And "Rainbow High" rhymes "Adore me" with "Christian Dior Me".
That is cool enuf for me.I saw the similar information about Necklaces which is very beautiful.
Posted by: balu | March 12, 2007 5:11 AM