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Rainbow-Colored Necklaces for Everyone

Scattered advice to people who appeared on this year’s Kennedy Center Honors telecast:

  • Aretha Franklin, don’t ever change. I know you looked ridiculous in a giganto brown ruffled boa which made you look like an overstuffed chocolate dessert. Outrageous is what you are, criticism be damned.
  • Smokey Robinson, you totally deserved the honor. I just wish we could’ve heard some of your more obscure songs performed, such as “Your Wonderful Sweet Sweet Love” (The Supremes, 1972) or “My Baby Must Be a Magician” (The Marvelettes, 1968).
  • Kenny Rogers, what have they done to your face? Please fire the plastic surgeon who bestowed you with a perpetually surprised expression.
  • Dolly Parton, you’re starting to look like a drag queen’s impersonation of yourself. I beg you and Kenny to lay off the facework. Otherwise, rock on with your fabboo self.
  • President Bush, would it kill you to smile a little? Everybody knows you’d rather be fishing in Crawford, but please look up the word decorum in the dictionary and at least pretend to have some enthusiasm.
  • Jessica Simpson, I’m concerned. We only saw a glimpse of you walking onstage after the Dolly tribute. What happened? Oh, that.
  • Andrew Lloyd Webber, I know you’re a lowest-common-denominator hack, but you must’ve done something right to get such fabulous performances from Christine Ebersol, Betty Buckley and that Evita woman.
  • Reese Witherspoon, you are cute as a button and I love you.
  • Stephen Spielberg, thanks for reminding me that one can survive growing up in the stifling suburbia of Scottsdale, AZ.
  • Joan Collins and Michele Lee, remind me why you were in the audience? I thought I was watching a nighttime ’80s soap queen reunion for a few seconds there.
  • Kennedy Center Honors nomination committee, please get Doris Day’s number quickly before she passes on. At least you got to James Brown in time.

6 Thoughts on “Rainbow-Colored Necklaces for Everyone

  1. Christopher on December 28, 2006 at 6:05 pm said:

    Calling Andrew Lloyd Webber a lowest-common-denominator hack is like dismissing the Niagra as a little trickle. He is THE lowest-common-denominator hack of all times.

  2. Mass Bradley on December 29, 2006 at 7:53 pm said:

    Yikes.
    I always kinda dug “High Flying, Adored”.
    And “Rainbow High” rhymes “Adore me” with “Christian Dior Me”.
    That is cool enuf for me.

  3. was doris day there???
    i LOVE her!!!!

  4. Sorry, Doris wasn’t there. I just dearly want them to Honor her.

    Of course in order to receive the Honor, the recipient has to show up in Washington to accept (which is probably why Miss Day’s never gotten one).

  5. Just who WAS the Evita woman?

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